He disabled his match.com account in front of me
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
