Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
