I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
