omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
this just has baby written all over it
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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