I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
