Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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