Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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