i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
