Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
