hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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