hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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