when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize