I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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