I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
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