I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
