I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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