I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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