I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Still dying that you shit outside
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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