I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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