About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
