Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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