I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
