They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
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