I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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