thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
