...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
