I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize