Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
