My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
