you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
