I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
