i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
