Swine flu is the new snow day.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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