Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
