The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I will die if light touches me.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
