dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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