hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
