My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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