I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
