Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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