you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
