The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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