i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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