cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
