whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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