i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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