i'm signing you up for texting rehab
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize