I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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