Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
