Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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