I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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