I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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