guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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