I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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