I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
No subtext here. People are naked.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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