John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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