It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
