I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
