we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
