My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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