She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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