drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
