Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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