It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
